Exquisite

Our greatest sorrows and our greatest joys may be more connected than we realize.

Alma described his feelings after an angel rebuked him for trying to destroy the church:

I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins….

The very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.

Alma 36:12, 14

He endured this torment for three days. The pain was so intense that he wished he could simply disappear, cease to exist. (See Alma 36:15.) Finally, he remembered his father’s words about salvation. In desparation, he cried out to Jesus for mercy. Immediately, the pain disappeared and was replaced by joy. Notice how his description of the joy relies upon his description of the preceding torment:

My soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

Alma 36:20-21

The word “exquisite” usually has positive connotations. It comes from the Latin word exquisitus, meaning “choice” or “carefully sought out.” For the most part, when we say that something is exquisite, we mean that it’s uncommonly good.

But the term can also be applied to negative sensations. In Webster’s 1828 dictionary, one definition of the term is: “Being in the highest degree; extreme; as, to relish pleasure in an exquisite degree. So we say, exquisite pleasure or pain.”

In an 1829 revelation to Joseph Smith, the Savior used the same word to describe His experience in atoning for our sins. (See Doctrine and Covenants 19:15.)

Alma’s juxtaposition of joy and pain, including equating the intensity with which he felt both, has made me wonder: Is it possible that our sorrows and suffering expand our hearts, making room to feel more joy? After all, Lehi taught that without misery, there can be no happiness. (See 2 Nephi 2:11, 23.) The Book of Mormon teaches plainly that we should avoid “hardness of heart” but it does not tell us to avoid sorrow. In fact, it teaches us to “mourn with those that mourn” (Mosiah 18:9), and even says that those who mourn are “blessed” (3 Nephi 12:4). Several prophets received revelation when they were “troubled” (Mosiah 26:13-15), “weighed down with sorrow” (Alma 8:14-15), or “cast down” (Helaman 10:3-4).

Opening our heart to feel intense emotion may be a prerequisite to receiving a fulness of joy. (See Alma 26:11, Alma 29:13, 3 Nephi 17:20.)

Today, will be open to the heart-expanding experiences of life. I will avoid numbness and indifference, and will instead recognize that exquisite sorrow and exquisite joy can both bring me closer to God.