Between Him and Thee Alone

Some conversations are better kept private.

When Oliver Cowdery needed to provide some corrective feedback to another church member, the Lord gave him the following instructions:

Take thy brother, Hiram Page, between him and thee alone, and tell him that those things which he hath written from that stone are not of me

Doctrine and Covenants 28:11

This matches the guidance which Jesus gave to His disciples during His mortal ministry:

If thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

Matthew 18:15; see also Doctrine and Covenants 42:88

The phrase “if he shall hear thee” is important. These conversations are only useful if the recipient is willing to open their heart and accept the feedback. That is much more likely to happen in private, without the distraction of an audience.

We might be tempted to avoid these kinds of conversations. They’re hard, and they’re risky. But Jesus taught that our relationship with Him is affected by our relationships with each other:

if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—

Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you.

3 Nephi 12:23-24; see also Matthew 5:23-24

This passage implies that we can only “come unto [Him] with full purpose of heart” after privately resolving our differences with one another.

Alma took the initiative to hold a difficult conversation with his son Corianton. He was direct in describing what Corianton had done wrong. He answered several of Corianton’s questions, with the expectation that more context would lead to better decisions. But he also made it clear that he wished he didn’t have to have this conversation. “I would to God that ye had not been guilty of so great a crime,” he said. “I would not dwell upon your crimes, to harrow up your soul, if it were not for your good” (Alma 39:7). And later he added, “The Spirit of the Lord doth say unto me: Command thy children to do good…; therefore I command you, my son, in the fear of God, that ye refrain from your iniquities” (Alma 39:12).

I love the fact that by the end of this conversation, Alma was talking about Corianton’s future with hope and optimism:

And now, O my son, ye are called of God to preach the word unto this people. And now, my son, go thy way, declare the word with truth and soberness, that thou mayest bring souls unto repentance, that the great plan of mercy may have claim upon them. And may God grant unto you even according to my words. Amen.

Alma 42:31

These are not vindictive or oppressive words. They are the words of a father who loves his son and wants the very best for him. They are words of confidence and inspiration, words that are intended to lift Corianton up, not to bear him down.

Today, I will be careful how I provide corrective feedback. I will remember that feedback may be more impactful in private than in public and that even difficult messages can be framed in optimistic and respectful ways.